My biggest weakness, my biggest fault is my need to control...to be in control.
This need...this sense of severely imposed order has been the downfall of many things.
Ive lost relationships because I felt the need to take the reigns, to direct and dictate how the relationship would run its course.
Its left my world a cold and lonely place and I had resigned myself to be alone...that because of this need to control that I had to have....I couldnt function.
And then....he happened.
He appeared innocently enough...sharing random words....and offering bawdy statements to get me laughing....all at the most randomest of times. His dry wit, the bawdiness when I least expected it....the laughter and the intellectual pauses.....
Until that night when a seemingly innocent conversation turned a corner and suddenly things had changed.
I found myself waiting for his return...for my phone to notify me of his text...to see his number pop up on my phone screen...
He may not be physically beside me yet I can still feel his presence...I feel his touch burning me and I feel my control fading...
When he has my attention...which isn't hard for him to do...I willingly submit to him. I gladly surrender my need for order and structure for the chance to fly with his passion. His words...both spoken and written..burn me, igniting me in a way that no one has ever bee able to do before. All he has to do is speak a word...and I feel myself submitting, kneeling at his knees, becoming a willing participant as he shows me that control can be found in submission.
Looking back on past relationships I realize now that those men have been ones who did not have the strength to tak control or I didnt trust them enough to relinquish the control. But now ive found the one who feels like the missing piece I never knew was missing until I found it.... Not so strangely, I feel no fear, no hesitancy , no doubts. I dont know how to explain other than he feels ---and is--so right. In the past ive always had the need to put up barriers...to protect myself. With him...I have no need. He protects me.
In the past, when I kept the reigns to myself, I always tried to rush the relationship, to move it faster than it had the capacity for...and I always got hurt. But with him? Im content to stroll leisurely around, letting things happen in their own time.
Friends and coworkers claim they can see a differencd in me.., that I light up, that theres this sense of peace and completion around me. That I have this serene calm even in the most hectic of days. I think he is that sense of clarity I had some time ago...and im glad things happened the way they did. Im glad that I was too hard headed to see October and I were so mismatched in every way possible....glad even that TheSoldier and I never worked out.....
Because if either of them had worked out....
I wouldnt have my him. The one I will gladly submit to....and loose my need to control.
