New year, new me

With the new year looming and the old one ticking away, I found myself spending time reflecting on what was accomplished in the past twelve months.

I set out with only one goal: to become healthy in all areas.

At first, the goal was simple enough...I changed my eating habits, became more active, stopped letting the little things stress me out. But then....it got harder....

I had as motivation the knowledge that someone was coming from out of town...someone who hadnt seen me in nearly two years and I wanted as a reaction from him to be simply "Wow!". For those times when I didnt want to work out....when I wanted  a huge piece of cheesecake....I had that reaction as a motivator. I wanted him to have that rush of physical attraction if nothing else came out of that visit...I wanted to be so stunning that he couldnt keep his eyes away from me, that I was the only thing he saw.

But like all things, I had a feeling something wasn't being said, something wasn't going to happen; when the truth came out one night via a text conversation my motivation left me. Oh I still continued with my healthy habits but my heart was no longer into it.

I allowed that one promising event define everything I was trying to do, forgetting that I needed to be the only motivation, the only reason why I was getting healthy. I felt myself beginnging to get lost within a presumed fantasy...even though a part of me was grounded in reality and doubted everything he said from the start.

I allowed myself that period to recollect myself,  to gather my bearings and figure out how to get back on track....while nursing a brusied heart that had started to trust again before breaking again.

Twitter followers knew my journeys...knew the darkness I fell into and the fight to regain the light; knew the joys and the sorrows I experienced with "him" and they also knew the depth of the feelings, of the love I had for another. Twitter for the longest time was my outlet...my way to vent, to release that part of me that I was unable to share in my real life. Twitter was my way to express my joys, my determination to regain what I perceived I had lost,  to celebrate my small achievements and discuss how to prevent my set backs from reoccurring. 

But twitter changed for me...

It became a place where I could no longer freely discuss things I felt, I could no longer open my heart to people and I grew to feel like no one was listening.

Maybe it was me who changed...realizing that the attention I craved could no longer be found in 140 characters...

I found myself no longer opening up and sharing, preferring to instead just re tweet someone else's thoughts, making general commentary and doing simple responses when someone asked.

Its been years in the making but I've come to realize that a cyber relationship, while fulfilling something I once needed,  could no longer be my sole means of interaction with others. I need physical contact, interaction with a breathing person not just 140 characters from some avatar floating in front of me on a screen.

And here comes another aspect of becoming healthy....

Being solely depended on people in my phone, my tablet....to fulfill my need for socializations...wasn't going to continue. Theres a handful I've met...and still communicate with and a few more that I truly want to meet one day...but for the majority...we're just passing pictures with random thoughts and links that may or may not catch someone's attention in cyberspace. 

I've always been an introvert; making friends let alone entering relationships was always difficult for me. And that's what initially drew me to twitter...the fact that I could have all these interactions and that I determined the boundaries just by deciding who to follow and who to interact with. But in order for me to be healthy...to reach that place where I can interact with others...I have to cut myself out of the twitter verse.

Its not permanent...just long enough that I can find me again...and find others like me.

--C.