Control

My biggest weakness, my biggest fault is my need to control...to be in control.

This need...this sense of severely imposed order has been the downfall of many things.

Ive lost relationships because I felt the need to take the reigns, to direct and dictate how the relationship would run its course.

Its left my world a cold and lonely place and I had resigned myself to be alone...that because of this need to control that  I had to have....I couldnt function.

And then....he happened.

He appeared innocently enough...sharing random words....and offering bawdy statements to get me laughing....all at the most randomest of times. His dry wit, the bawdiness when I least expected it....the laughter and the intellectual pauses.....

Until that night when a seemingly innocent conversation turned a corner and suddenly things had changed.

I found myself waiting for his return...for my phone to notify me of his text...to see his number pop up on my phone screen...

He may not be physically beside me yet I can still feel his presence...I feel his touch burning me and I feel my control fading...

When he has my attention...which isn't hard for him to do...I willingly submit to him. I gladly surrender my need for order and structure for the chance to fly with his passion. His words...both spoken and written..burn me, igniting me in a way that no one has ever bee able to do before. All he has to do is speak a word...and I feel myself submitting, kneeling at his knees, becoming a willing participant as he shows me that control can be found in submission.

Looking back on past relationships I realize now that those men have been ones who did not have the strength to tak control or I didnt trust them enough to relinquish the control. But now ive found the one who feels like the missing piece I never knew was missing until I found it.... Not so strangely,  I feel no fear, no hesitancy , no doubts. I dont know how to explain other than he feels ---and is--so right. In the past ive always had the need to put up barriers...to protect myself. With him...I have no need. He protects me.

In the past, when I kept the reigns to myself, I always tried to rush the relationship,  to move it faster than it had the capacity for...and I always got hurt. But with him? Im content to stroll leisurely around, letting things happen in their own time.

Friends and coworkers claim they can see a differencd in me.., that I light up, that theres this sense of peace and completion around me. That I have this serene calm even in the most hectic of days. I think he is that sense of clarity I had some time ago...and im glad things happened the way they did.  Im glad that I was too hard headed to see October and I were so mismatched in every way possible....glad even that TheSoldier and I never worked out.....

Because if either of them  had worked out....

I wouldnt have my him. The one I will gladly submit to....and loose my need to control.

Bite me, Cupid.

I hate St Valentines day.

I hate the fact that our society has deemed an emotion as a commercial commodity and makes those of us not paired even more painfully aware of our single-dom.

I hate the fact that there is so much pressures on people to base their live for another on how much they spend.

I hate the fact that an ex boyfriend decided he didnt have the heart to break up with me BEFORE February 14 and essentially gave me a Valentines day out of pity (he broke up with me on the 15th).

I hate the fact that I miss TheSoldier more and more on this day....and that I've found myself in those rare free moments thinking about October.

The 14th is awful for me...

My loneliness becomes more acute...more intense...all I see is the world paired off in cozy duets...as I shuffle along as a broken wheel.

*sigh*

My goal is to finally put these ghosts to rest...to seal off that part of me and finally allow another to enter my world.

Its gonna be hard but...

.....its gotta be done.

All we need is a patience

Patience is a virtue we all must learn.

I cannot begin to count the number of times I have been told this cliché throughout the years.

Over all, I consider myself patient in regards to times and schedules; my impatience,  however, flares its ugly head when dealing with people who portray a feigned ignorance of something. Its especially bad when I have showed/demonstrated/explained something repeatedly. 

I made a resolution to show patience with people....more specifically people that I either work with or am related to.

5 days in and I am failing miserably.

I have little patience with family members...immediate and extended. Most of this stems from the fact that we (myself and the rest of the family) have beliefs and ideologies that are polar opposites. While they can find solace in an unknown higher power...my skepticism prevents me from having such blind and unwavering faith. Yes I do feel that my lack of devout and blind faith leaves me wanting for some kind of peace...for a calming sense during the chaotic storms in my life. But...without my skepticism...I do not think that I could have (on my own) begin a journey to find that TRUTH we all search for (no I havent found it yet...I dont think its possible to do that).

Contact and interactions with family these last few days have found me trying to remain calm and to hear them out when they voice an opinion that has very few facts to support it. Majority of the time I fail....lashing out with exasperation and finished with a heated "WHAT EVER" and an eye roll for good measure. Needless to say I have voiced the belief that I am adopted and that thats the only reason why I am always forgotten/ignored....because its easier to over look something that doesn't conform than fight against it.

Patience with coworkers...eh. Most days its all I can do to NOT haul off and smack them and then go to my supervisors and ask for a position change. Oh I've barged into their offices with a "I need to vent" and proceeded to vent while they look at me dumbfounded at my over emotional self.

A lot of this impaticence stems from the fact that I hold new peoples to the high standards I set for myself and that it isn't feasibly possible to expect someone to understand something day 1....especially coming into the field I work in.  Its taxing trying to train someone when they counter every statement made with "But why is it done that way? Where i worked at in another state we did it this way..."  Explaining that rules and regulations are different from state to state and from facility to facility appears to fall on deaf ears. But the ultimate trigger comes from these same coworkers who, when questioned why something wasnt done, reply back with "Oh I didn't know we are supposed to be doing this!" They do know what has to be done...and how it needs to be done,  yet instead of taking ownership of the mistakes made claim ignorance and pass the blame onto others.

One of my immediate coworkers fits this description. Granted she hasn't worked in the department as long as I have, however,  her orientation was nearly 2 weeks long and covered most of the basics with the rest being learned via hands on work. When I first started working with her, I had been moved to her area; within a week of working with her, I had reported to several supervisors that she and some others in the area needed a retrain on nearly everything. Showing her how things needed to be done --THE CORRECT WAY--was an interesting experience to say.  the least. I had to re-explain and demonstrate the basics and what to expect when  the yearly State review occurred.

The first display of her feigned ignorance occurred a few weeks after I had moved into her area; after being shown repeatedly what I as a supervisor expected she has had the gall to say to ME that she was never shown nor told what was expected and what she needed to be doing. Since that first display, its been all that I can do to NOT lose my cool and rip her a new one (because its not professional and it would quickly turn into a 'she said/she said' situation). I come across as being pissed off and/or moody and distance and with an attitude....which is what I really want to change. I want to be able to call her out and correct her in a way thats not considered being short tempered or bitchy. In other words I want to not let her (spiteful) ignorance get the better of me.

I know my coping mechanisms need to be better; I need to be able to take a deep breathe and say, when I see her first starting to play the ignorance, that I need to have a word with her and pull her to the side and calmly and rationally explain what it is she needs to be doing and how she needs to correct it.

Instead of wanting to go crazy bitch and lose all professional credibility that I have...even though I would feel so much better doing it...

As for being patient with my family...eh...I'm not quite sure what to do with that. The differences in our beliefs are too great, our personalities don't mesh well together. I love them dearly but its not worth the fights and arguments that always ensue when conversation begins to revolve around a sensitive topic. Especially if the only recourse is to remain silent to keep the peace.

*sigh* this is going to be a hard goal for me this year. 

Resolutions

Traditionally,  Jan 1 has been the day to set personal goals for the year. Usually these goals are forgotten about within weeks if not days.

For the next year I want to use the concept of "resolutions" as a starting point; I know that I am far from perfect and that I have numerous flaws and faults however  I want to use these perceived weaknesses and turn them  into strengths.

I created this space intially as a means to vent, to express myself in more than 140 characters; for reasons it was abandoned yet I want to use this space as a means to chart myself, to measure my progression or regression... I dont expect these next 12 months to be easy however I choose to not believe they will be filled with a sense of dire impossibilities.  Each month, I want to add a goal, working on something new as I begin to obtain completion of another. This is my way of keeping myself accountable.... I know myself too well.

So in no particular order, here are my 12 resolutions for 2014:

1. To be a more patient person
2. To (attempt) become a more positive person
3. To learn something new that challenged a preconceived notion ive had
4. To truly love and respect myself as an individual
5. To be brave
6. To let another inside my heart
7. To release the ghosts and demons of the past that haunt me
8. To no longer hide within myself
9. To boldly take those first steps ive talked about but havent yet taken
10. To find that one thing/person that makes me passionate again
11. To express myself in ways other than flat words
12. To not need to always be in control of things

Heh...I'm gonna be busy these next 12 months! :)