Second chance

The heart needs a second chance. 

And not quite three years ago I got my second chance. 

Prior to crossing paths with and falling for The Hubs, those that knew me....and I mean REALLY KNEW ME....watched with silent concerns as walls went higher and I grew harder to outsiders. I was on a downward spiral that not many knew or were aware of. 

But then the Fates deemed it was my time. 

The Hubs....Paul (💓💓💓)....and I were acquaintances for several years before something kicked in both of us that maybe just maybe there is something more to this than either realized. 

Paul came into my life at the time that I needed him most. I will admit that I had nearly given up on finding THE ONE for me and honestly he was the one that was most persistent....putting himself front and center in my line of sight. He made me laugh, filling my inboxes on social media and texts with silly GIFS, funny memes. He never pushed, never rushed things. In fact he was the one that was adamant we take things slow, to really get to know each other. This was a first for me. I was used to the fast paced relationships, the ones that went from 1 to 100 in the blink of an eye. Fast forward to long talks on Google hangouts, even longer phone calls (longest call? 19hrs. Beat that lol).  

It wasn't long before I had to admit to myself that I was falling--HARD--for him. I was afraid to say something for fear that it was one sided and he would find reasons to run. (And to be honest, there are still days that I fear he will decide he is better off without me.) When I admitted to myself--and told him--that I love him, it's hard to describe the feeling other than I had found my Happy. There was an obvious change occurring and it's all thanks to him.

The first visit....let's just say that I was nervous as hell. It is one thing to travel within the safety of your own country, It's something totally different to travel overseas. I arrived super early at the airport, because, duh TSA and the like. And waited as the first leg of my flight was delayed (not surprising for Charlotte Douglas....shout out to the QC!) Rushing through Dulles to make the second leg, all I could think was that I would soon be walking out to see him. I didn't sleep on the overnight flight....had too many thoughts rushing through my mind not the least was would we click in person as we did online. Those fears were put to rest the moment I walked out and saw him. The 'hellos' were easy and felt like I had just come home. 

And then the surprise hit....

Being with him was natural....was like we had been together for years instead of just months. The ease with which we did things together was amazing. There is this sense of familiarity with us...he knows when I need something without me saying a word and vice versa. It's something that I had not experienced before yet I wanted more of. 

The day he proposed we spent playing tourist in another town, walking around and he giving me history lessons on various spots. That afternoon we had made our way to Roker Beach, walking up and down the sands, people watching, and playing in the water. It was during a quiet moment that he wordlessly placed the ring on my hand (obviously I said yes). The look in his eyes at that moment tugged at me asking me that silent question. 

The ruby ring he gave me and the gold band he placed on my hand the next year remind me daily that yes indeed he loves me and that yes I am worthy of his love. 

It's been a long time coming but everyday I am thankful for him and count myself lucky that I love and am loved by him. 

He is my Happy. 

Let me count the ways

To Paul...
My better half, my other half.
The biggest part of me.
♡ me



How do I love thee?

Let me count the ways. 

I love you from the top of my head

To the bottom of my little toes. 

I love you from the highest high

But not from the lowest of lows.

The warm summer sun

Is cold in comparison to your breathy sigh

I fear not the darkness

For your gentle touch guides me.

Until by your side I shall forever be. 

How do I love thee? 

I love you purely

I love you simply.

My  desires and my temptation 

My strength when I am weak

My secret that I hold close

My saving grace when I fall. 

How do I love thee? 

I love thee to the ends of time

Until it begins again.

To the depths unknown 

To explore hand in hand. 

How do I love thee? 

I love thee with all of me.

Control

My biggest weakness, my biggest fault is my need to control...to be in control.

This need...this sense of severely imposed order has been the downfall of many things.

Ive lost relationships because I felt the need to take the reigns, to direct and dictate how the relationship would run its course.

Its left my world a cold and lonely place and I had resigned myself to be alone...that because of this need to control that  I had to have....I couldnt function.

And then....he happened.

He appeared innocently enough...sharing random words....and offering bawdy statements to get me laughing....all at the most randomest of times. His dry wit, the bawdiness when I least expected it....the laughter and the intellectual pauses.....

Until that night when a seemingly innocent conversation turned a corner and suddenly things had changed.

I found myself waiting for his return...for my phone to notify me of his text...to see his number pop up on my phone screen...

He may not be physically beside me yet I can still feel his presence...I feel his touch burning me and I feel my control fading...

When he has my attention...which isn't hard for him to do...I willingly submit to him. I gladly surrender my need for order and structure for the chance to fly with his passion. His words...both spoken and written..burn me, igniting me in a way that no one has ever bee able to do before. All he has to do is speak a word...and I feel myself submitting, kneeling at his knees, becoming a willing participant as he shows me that control can be found in submission.

Looking back on past relationships I realize now that those men have been ones who did not have the strength to tak control or I didnt trust them enough to relinquish the control. But now ive found the one who feels like the missing piece I never knew was missing until I found it.... Not so strangely,  I feel no fear, no hesitancy , no doubts. I dont know how to explain other than he feels ---and is--so right. In the past ive always had the need to put up barriers...to protect myself. With him...I have no need. He protects me.

In the past, when I kept the reigns to myself, I always tried to rush the relationship,  to move it faster than it had the capacity for...and I always got hurt. But with him? Im content to stroll leisurely around, letting things happen in their own time.

Friends and coworkers claim they can see a differencd in me.., that I light up, that theres this sense of peace and completion around me. That I have this serene calm even in the most hectic of days. I think he is that sense of clarity I had some time ago...and im glad things happened the way they did.  Im glad that I was too hard headed to see October and I were so mismatched in every way possible....glad even that TheSoldier and I never worked out.....

Because if either of them  had worked out....

I wouldnt have my him. The one I will gladly submit to....and loose my need to control.

Bite me, Cupid.

I hate St Valentines day.

I hate the fact that our society has deemed an emotion as a commercial commodity and makes those of us not paired even more painfully aware of our single-dom.

I hate the fact that there is so much pressures on people to base their live for another on how much they spend.

I hate the fact that an ex boyfriend decided he didnt have the heart to break up with me BEFORE February 14 and essentially gave me a Valentines day out of pity (he broke up with me on the 15th).

I hate the fact that I miss TheSoldier more and more on this day....and that I've found myself in those rare free moments thinking about October.

The 14th is awful for me...

My loneliness becomes more acute...more intense...all I see is the world paired off in cozy duets...as I shuffle along as a broken wheel.

*sigh*

My goal is to finally put these ghosts to rest...to seal off that part of me and finally allow another to enter my world.

Its gonna be hard but...

.....its gotta be done.

All we need is a patience

Patience is a virtue we all must learn.

I cannot begin to count the number of times I have been told this cliché throughout the years.

Over all, I consider myself patient in regards to times and schedules; my impatience,  however, flares its ugly head when dealing with people who portray a feigned ignorance of something. Its especially bad when I have showed/demonstrated/explained something repeatedly. 

I made a resolution to show patience with people....more specifically people that I either work with or am related to.

5 days in and I am failing miserably.

I have little patience with family members...immediate and extended. Most of this stems from the fact that we (myself and the rest of the family) have beliefs and ideologies that are polar opposites. While they can find solace in an unknown higher power...my skepticism prevents me from having such blind and unwavering faith. Yes I do feel that my lack of devout and blind faith leaves me wanting for some kind of peace...for a calming sense during the chaotic storms in my life. But...without my skepticism...I do not think that I could have (on my own) begin a journey to find that TRUTH we all search for (no I havent found it yet...I dont think its possible to do that).

Contact and interactions with family these last few days have found me trying to remain calm and to hear them out when they voice an opinion that has very few facts to support it. Majority of the time I fail....lashing out with exasperation and finished with a heated "WHAT EVER" and an eye roll for good measure. Needless to say I have voiced the belief that I am adopted and that thats the only reason why I am always forgotten/ignored....because its easier to over look something that doesn't conform than fight against it.

Patience with coworkers...eh. Most days its all I can do to NOT haul off and smack them and then go to my supervisors and ask for a position change. Oh I've barged into their offices with a "I need to vent" and proceeded to vent while they look at me dumbfounded at my over emotional self.

A lot of this impaticence stems from the fact that I hold new peoples to the high standards I set for myself and that it isn't feasibly possible to expect someone to understand something day 1....especially coming into the field I work in.  Its taxing trying to train someone when they counter every statement made with "But why is it done that way? Where i worked at in another state we did it this way..."  Explaining that rules and regulations are different from state to state and from facility to facility appears to fall on deaf ears. But the ultimate trigger comes from these same coworkers who, when questioned why something wasnt done, reply back with "Oh I didn't know we are supposed to be doing this!" They do know what has to be done...and how it needs to be done,  yet instead of taking ownership of the mistakes made claim ignorance and pass the blame onto others.

One of my immediate coworkers fits this description. Granted she hasn't worked in the department as long as I have, however,  her orientation was nearly 2 weeks long and covered most of the basics with the rest being learned via hands on work. When I first started working with her, I had been moved to her area; within a week of working with her, I had reported to several supervisors that she and some others in the area needed a retrain on nearly everything. Showing her how things needed to be done --THE CORRECT WAY--was an interesting experience to say.  the least. I had to re-explain and demonstrate the basics and what to expect when  the yearly State review occurred.

The first display of her feigned ignorance occurred a few weeks after I had moved into her area; after being shown repeatedly what I as a supervisor expected she has had the gall to say to ME that she was never shown nor told what was expected and what she needed to be doing. Since that first display, its been all that I can do to NOT lose my cool and rip her a new one (because its not professional and it would quickly turn into a 'she said/she said' situation). I come across as being pissed off and/or moody and distance and with an attitude....which is what I really want to change. I want to be able to call her out and correct her in a way thats not considered being short tempered or bitchy. In other words I want to not let her (spiteful) ignorance get the better of me.

I know my coping mechanisms need to be better; I need to be able to take a deep breathe and say, when I see her first starting to play the ignorance, that I need to have a word with her and pull her to the side and calmly and rationally explain what it is she needs to be doing and how she needs to correct it.

Instead of wanting to go crazy bitch and lose all professional credibility that I have...even though I would feel so much better doing it...

As for being patient with my family...eh...I'm not quite sure what to do with that. The differences in our beliefs are too great, our personalities don't mesh well together. I love them dearly but its not worth the fights and arguments that always ensue when conversation begins to revolve around a sensitive topic. Especially if the only recourse is to remain silent to keep the peace.

*sigh* this is going to be a hard goal for me this year. 

Resolutions

Traditionally,  Jan 1 has been the day to set personal goals for the year. Usually these goals are forgotten about within weeks if not days.

For the next year I want to use the concept of "resolutions" as a starting point; I know that I am far from perfect and that I have numerous flaws and faults however  I want to use these perceived weaknesses and turn them  into strengths.

I created this space intially as a means to vent, to express myself in more than 140 characters; for reasons it was abandoned yet I want to use this space as a means to chart myself, to measure my progression or regression... I dont expect these next 12 months to be easy however I choose to not believe they will be filled with a sense of dire impossibilities.  Each month, I want to add a goal, working on something new as I begin to obtain completion of another. This is my way of keeping myself accountable.... I know myself too well.

So in no particular order, here are my 12 resolutions for 2014:

1. To be a more patient person
2. To (attempt) become a more positive person
3. To learn something new that challenged a preconceived notion ive had
4. To truly love and respect myself as an individual
5. To be brave
6. To let another inside my heart
7. To release the ghosts and demons of the past that haunt me
8. To no longer hide within myself
9. To boldly take those first steps ive talked about but havent yet taken
10. To find that one thing/person that makes me passionate again
11. To express myself in ways other than flat words
12. To not need to always be in control of things

Heh...I'm gonna be busy these next 12 months! :)

New year, new me

With the new year looming and the old one ticking away, I found myself spending time reflecting on what was accomplished in the past twelve months.

I set out with only one goal: to become healthy in all areas.

At first, the goal was simple enough...I changed my eating habits, became more active, stopped letting the little things stress me out. But then....it got harder....

I had as motivation the knowledge that someone was coming from out of town...someone who hadnt seen me in nearly two years and I wanted as a reaction from him to be simply "Wow!". For those times when I didnt want to work out....when I wanted  a huge piece of cheesecake....I had that reaction as a motivator. I wanted him to have that rush of physical attraction if nothing else came out of that visit...I wanted to be so stunning that he couldnt keep his eyes away from me, that I was the only thing he saw.

But like all things, I had a feeling something wasn't being said, something wasn't going to happen; when the truth came out one night via a text conversation my motivation left me. Oh I still continued with my healthy habits but my heart was no longer into it.

I allowed that one promising event define everything I was trying to do, forgetting that I needed to be the only motivation, the only reason why I was getting healthy. I felt myself beginnging to get lost within a presumed fantasy...even though a part of me was grounded in reality and doubted everything he said from the start.

I allowed myself that period to recollect myself,  to gather my bearings and figure out how to get back on track....while nursing a brusied heart that had started to trust again before breaking again.

Twitter followers knew my journeys...knew the darkness I fell into and the fight to regain the light; knew the joys and the sorrows I experienced with "him" and they also knew the depth of the feelings, of the love I had for another. Twitter for the longest time was my outlet...my way to vent, to release that part of me that I was unable to share in my real life. Twitter was my way to express my joys, my determination to regain what I perceived I had lost,  to celebrate my small achievements and discuss how to prevent my set backs from reoccurring. 

But twitter changed for me...

It became a place where I could no longer freely discuss things I felt, I could no longer open my heart to people and I grew to feel like no one was listening.

Maybe it was me who changed...realizing that the attention I craved could no longer be found in 140 characters...

I found myself no longer opening up and sharing, preferring to instead just re tweet someone else's thoughts, making general commentary and doing simple responses when someone asked.

Its been years in the making but I've come to realize that a cyber relationship, while fulfilling something I once needed,  could no longer be my sole means of interaction with others. I need physical contact, interaction with a breathing person not just 140 characters from some avatar floating in front of me on a screen.

And here comes another aspect of becoming healthy....

Being solely depended on people in my phone, my tablet....to fulfill my need for socializations...wasn't going to continue. Theres a handful I've met...and still communicate with and a few more that I truly want to meet one day...but for the majority...we're just passing pictures with random thoughts and links that may or may not catch someone's attention in cyberspace. 

I've always been an introvert; making friends let alone entering relationships was always difficult for me. And that's what initially drew me to twitter...the fact that I could have all these interactions and that I determined the boundaries just by deciding who to follow and who to interact with. But in order for me to be healthy...to reach that place where I can interact with others...I have to cut myself out of the twitter verse.

Its not permanent...just long enough that I can find me again...and find others like me.

--C.