Bite me, Cupid.

I hate St Valentines day.

I hate the fact that our society has deemed an emotion as a commercial commodity and makes those of us not paired even more painfully aware of our single-dom.

I hate the fact that there is so much pressures on people to base their live for another on how much they spend.

I hate the fact that an ex boyfriend decided he didnt have the heart to break up with me BEFORE February 14 and essentially gave me a Valentines day out of pity (he broke up with me on the 15th).

I hate the fact that I miss TheSoldier more and more on this day....and that I've found myself in those rare free moments thinking about October.

The 14th is awful for me...

My loneliness becomes more acute...more intense...all I see is the world paired off in cozy duets...as I shuffle along as a broken wheel.

*sigh*

My goal is to finally put these ghosts to rest...to seal off that part of me and finally allow another to enter my world.

Its gonna be hard but...

.....its gotta be done.

All we need is a patience

Patience is a virtue we all must learn.

I cannot begin to count the number of times I have been told this cliché throughout the years.

Over all, I consider myself patient in regards to times and schedules; my impatience,  however, flares its ugly head when dealing with people who portray a feigned ignorance of something. Its especially bad when I have showed/demonstrated/explained something repeatedly. 

I made a resolution to show patience with people....more specifically people that I either work with or am related to.

5 days in and I am failing miserably.

I have little patience with family members...immediate and extended. Most of this stems from the fact that we (myself and the rest of the family) have beliefs and ideologies that are polar opposites. While they can find solace in an unknown higher power...my skepticism prevents me from having such blind and unwavering faith. Yes I do feel that my lack of devout and blind faith leaves me wanting for some kind of peace...for a calming sense during the chaotic storms in my life. But...without my skepticism...I do not think that I could have (on my own) begin a journey to find that TRUTH we all search for (no I havent found it yet...I dont think its possible to do that).

Contact and interactions with family these last few days have found me trying to remain calm and to hear them out when they voice an opinion that has very few facts to support it. Majority of the time I fail....lashing out with exasperation and finished with a heated "WHAT EVER" and an eye roll for good measure. Needless to say I have voiced the belief that I am adopted and that thats the only reason why I am always forgotten/ignored....because its easier to over look something that doesn't conform than fight against it.

Patience with coworkers...eh. Most days its all I can do to NOT haul off and smack them and then go to my supervisors and ask for a position change. Oh I've barged into their offices with a "I need to vent" and proceeded to vent while they look at me dumbfounded at my over emotional self.

A lot of this impaticence stems from the fact that I hold new peoples to the high standards I set for myself and that it isn't feasibly possible to expect someone to understand something day 1....especially coming into the field I work in.  Its taxing trying to train someone when they counter every statement made with "But why is it done that way? Where i worked at in another state we did it this way..."  Explaining that rules and regulations are different from state to state and from facility to facility appears to fall on deaf ears. But the ultimate trigger comes from these same coworkers who, when questioned why something wasnt done, reply back with "Oh I didn't know we are supposed to be doing this!" They do know what has to be done...and how it needs to be done,  yet instead of taking ownership of the mistakes made claim ignorance and pass the blame onto others.

One of my immediate coworkers fits this description. Granted she hasn't worked in the department as long as I have, however,  her orientation was nearly 2 weeks long and covered most of the basics with the rest being learned via hands on work. When I first started working with her, I had been moved to her area; within a week of working with her, I had reported to several supervisors that she and some others in the area needed a retrain on nearly everything. Showing her how things needed to be done --THE CORRECT WAY--was an interesting experience to say.  the least. I had to re-explain and demonstrate the basics and what to expect when  the yearly State review occurred.

The first display of her feigned ignorance occurred a few weeks after I had moved into her area; after being shown repeatedly what I as a supervisor expected she has had the gall to say to ME that she was never shown nor told what was expected and what she needed to be doing. Since that first display, its been all that I can do to NOT lose my cool and rip her a new one (because its not professional and it would quickly turn into a 'she said/she said' situation). I come across as being pissed off and/or moody and distance and with an attitude....which is what I really want to change. I want to be able to call her out and correct her in a way thats not considered being short tempered or bitchy. In other words I want to not let her (spiteful) ignorance get the better of me.

I know my coping mechanisms need to be better; I need to be able to take a deep breathe and say, when I see her first starting to play the ignorance, that I need to have a word with her and pull her to the side and calmly and rationally explain what it is she needs to be doing and how she needs to correct it.

Instead of wanting to go crazy bitch and lose all professional credibility that I have...even though I would feel so much better doing it...

As for being patient with my family...eh...I'm not quite sure what to do with that. The differences in our beliefs are too great, our personalities don't mesh well together. I love them dearly but its not worth the fights and arguments that always ensue when conversation begins to revolve around a sensitive topic. Especially if the only recourse is to remain silent to keep the peace.

*sigh* this is going to be a hard goal for me this year. 

Resolutions

Traditionally,  Jan 1 has been the day to set personal goals for the year. Usually these goals are forgotten about within weeks if not days.

For the next year I want to use the concept of "resolutions" as a starting point; I know that I am far from perfect and that I have numerous flaws and faults however  I want to use these perceived weaknesses and turn them  into strengths.

I created this space intially as a means to vent, to express myself in more than 140 characters; for reasons it was abandoned yet I want to use this space as a means to chart myself, to measure my progression or regression... I dont expect these next 12 months to be easy however I choose to not believe they will be filled with a sense of dire impossibilities.  Each month, I want to add a goal, working on something new as I begin to obtain completion of another. This is my way of keeping myself accountable.... I know myself too well.

So in no particular order, here are my 12 resolutions for 2014:

1. To be a more patient person
2. To (attempt) become a more positive person
3. To learn something new that challenged a preconceived notion ive had
4. To truly love and respect myself as an individual
5. To be brave
6. To let another inside my heart
7. To release the ghosts and demons of the past that haunt me
8. To no longer hide within myself
9. To boldly take those first steps ive talked about but havent yet taken
10. To find that one thing/person that makes me passionate again
11. To express myself in ways other than flat words
12. To not need to always be in control of things

Heh...I'm gonna be busy these next 12 months! :)

New year, new me

With the new year looming and the old one ticking away, I found myself spending time reflecting on what was accomplished in the past twelve months.

I set out with only one goal: to become healthy in all areas.

At first, the goal was simple enough...I changed my eating habits, became more active, stopped letting the little things stress me out. But then....it got harder....

I had as motivation the knowledge that someone was coming from out of town...someone who hadnt seen me in nearly two years and I wanted as a reaction from him to be simply "Wow!". For those times when I didnt want to work out....when I wanted  a huge piece of cheesecake....I had that reaction as a motivator. I wanted him to have that rush of physical attraction if nothing else came out of that visit...I wanted to be so stunning that he couldnt keep his eyes away from me, that I was the only thing he saw.

But like all things, I had a feeling something wasn't being said, something wasn't going to happen; when the truth came out one night via a text conversation my motivation left me. Oh I still continued with my healthy habits but my heart was no longer into it.

I allowed that one promising event define everything I was trying to do, forgetting that I needed to be the only motivation, the only reason why I was getting healthy. I felt myself beginnging to get lost within a presumed fantasy...even though a part of me was grounded in reality and doubted everything he said from the start.

I allowed myself that period to recollect myself,  to gather my bearings and figure out how to get back on track....while nursing a brusied heart that had started to trust again before breaking again.

Twitter followers knew my journeys...knew the darkness I fell into and the fight to regain the light; knew the joys and the sorrows I experienced with "him" and they also knew the depth of the feelings, of the love I had for another. Twitter for the longest time was my outlet...my way to vent, to release that part of me that I was unable to share in my real life. Twitter was my way to express my joys, my determination to regain what I perceived I had lost,  to celebrate my small achievements and discuss how to prevent my set backs from reoccurring. 

But twitter changed for me...

It became a place where I could no longer freely discuss things I felt, I could no longer open my heart to people and I grew to feel like no one was listening.

Maybe it was me who changed...realizing that the attention I craved could no longer be found in 140 characters...

I found myself no longer opening up and sharing, preferring to instead just re tweet someone else's thoughts, making general commentary and doing simple responses when someone asked.

Its been years in the making but I've come to realize that a cyber relationship, while fulfilling something I once needed,  could no longer be my sole means of interaction with others. I need physical contact, interaction with a breathing person not just 140 characters from some avatar floating in front of me on a screen.

And here comes another aspect of becoming healthy....

Being solely depended on people in my phone, my tablet....to fulfill my need for socializations...wasn't going to continue. Theres a handful I've met...and still communicate with and a few more that I truly want to meet one day...but for the majority...we're just passing pictures with random thoughts and links that may or may not catch someone's attention in cyberspace. 

I've always been an introvert; making friends let alone entering relationships was always difficult for me. And that's what initially drew me to twitter...the fact that I could have all these interactions and that I determined the boundaries just by deciding who to follow and who to interact with. But in order for me to be healthy...to reach that place where I can interact with others...I have to cut myself out of the twitter verse.

Its not permanent...just long enough that I can find me again...and find others like me.

--C.

Twitter: The hard lessons that I had to learn.

WeFor the better part of the last 3 years I have had a love/hate relationship with Twitter.

I've engaged (and met) some people that I consider my closest friends. 

And I also met someone that I allowed closer than anyone in the longest times. 

I was able (through various disguises by way of screen names and avis) to create a cyber persona that reflected who I am (or in the case of the older accounts, was). 

Up until late summer, I had crafted an identity that was a true reflection of who I am. 

As @half_way_angel, I opened the part of me that showcased my snark, my warped humor, my vulnerability and my sharp edges. Many embraced the realness that I put into the account, finding solace in knowing that someone else was willing to share their stories, their sorrows and triumphs. 

But then, evidently, I got too close to someone and it bit me hard. No longer did that account bring any sense of fun and creative outlet. Rather, it was a constant reminder of what I no longer was able to do. Hence, the twitter-cide. 

Honestly, I didn't want to return to twitter; the bull shit in the last few months...it was tiring. I got tired of being questioned, being spoken about in plain sight. Oh the offenders will proclaim their innocence, will claim that I was just being paranoid or that I blew things completely out of proportions. What ever.

But return I did.

The new account @not_hwa  is everything the other wasn't. I've shared more of my pains, my sorrows and my tragedies. I've shared the heart wrenching pain that has eaten me alive. I miss the freedoms of my other account but I don't miss the drama.

Half_way_angel taught me some very important lessons:

1. Just because you are "friends" with someone online doesn't always guarantee you will have them to defend you.

2. Views and opinions are what makes your stream unique; however those same views and opinions will be held against you by said so called friends.

3. Rants/venting (while being a good means of catharsis) will be mistaken and used against you.

Granted, I've had some people who truly care to reach out to me....to make sure that I am okay.

But I've also had countless run-ins with people who are total assholes. And those are the ones that I pity the most.

About me through music

Heh. 

I'm doing an "About Me" blog post....something so freaking easy that it is truly difficult. 

I have no earthly idea where to start or how to tie everything together. So...

...the only way to go is in the middle and work my way out. 

(Be prepared...the only way to introduce you to me is through music..... Let's have fun!) 

I'm a serious music lover. 

I love all kinds...from Bach to Mozart to ragtime jazz to neoSoul and everything inbetween. 

I joke that before I could read, I knew the words to songs by The Beatles and KISS. Its partly true. :) 

I associate everything in my life with some group or song. This song, I think nearly everyone can identify with. 

 

My first recognizable brush with The Beatles was on Sesame Street. Remember the muppet parody The Beetles singing "Letter B"? I realized after listening to it that it was actually THIS song....

Mom was a huge Beatles fan...and I get  my love of all things John, Paul, George and Ringo from her. 

Although she couldn't understand my fascination with John (She was a Paul fan girl) and why my fav song from him wasn't "Imagine" but this one....

During my tween age years....I fell for that boy group later known as NKOTB. This song takes me back to my first middle school dance....and listening as the girls all sang this over the DJ (lol) 

And in case you are wondering....this is my favorite New Kid, all grown up....

Thankfully, my NKOTB fan-dom didn't last long. About the time that fascination faded, the 'Seattle Sound" emerged and the music that hit the spot for me. 

Still love that song! :) 

And of course...there is also this one....

*sigh* Now I want to dig my Doc Martens and my Airwalks out of the back of my closet, throw on a flannel shirt and grungy jeans and mosh. 

High school saw me defend my grunge rock roots, and branching out into alt rock with these guys (anyone remember when Clinton invited them to the White House for Chelsea? I do!) 

 

( I still think this video speaks volumes...) 

And yet I found an outlet in a group that I had listened to for a while when high school became just too painful to deal with....

(geez....the shit I did to dull the pain while listening to them.....)

*sigh* 

Still with me? Good....

Somehow, after high school, I found myself in uncharted waters with my music tastes....

(turns out I lived up the road from his cousin!) 

and then I went here....

*sigh*

Somehow, I've gone through every single one of these phases again since my 20s...and currently....I'm seriously in love with these ladies...

and...

Now...think you know me now? :)